During one of his performances, Russell Brand—comedian, infamous lothario, admitted sex addict, three-time winner of the The Sun newspaper’s Shagger of the Year Award—notices a fan’s sign hanging over the balcony, which says “Kat ♥ U.” He stops the show to note that the heart should really be followed by an apostrophe S and then adds, “I don’t think I could have sex with someone who had such a slender grasp on grammar.”

Years ago, when we were engaged, Joshua and I went to a party together in the suburbs. At one point we were dancing and kissing and minding our own business. Seeing this, the host yelled loudly in our direction so that everyone else could hear, “Enjoy it while it lasts! You won’t be doing that once you’re married!” All the other Babbitts chortled and elbowed each other in the ribs as if to say Don’t we know it! Welcome to the club! Marriage is the death of romance! Kiss your genitals and your will to live goodbye! Just kidding, we love being married! Not really! Just kidding! (Not really!)

Joshua and I were astonished. We couldn’t believe that people actually felt that way. And that they were willing to say it out loud. In front of other people. We grabbed a few handfuls of food and got the hell out of there, lest their marital mediocrity leak onto us.

I hadn’t thought of that evening until today when I read an NPR article about a man who has been selling wedding rings for over 60 years. When he sees a couple kissing on the street, “he likes to tap the man on the shoulder and hand him his card. ‘You know why?’ he asks mischievously. ‘Because married couples don’t kiss on the street.’”

How has this happened? Who has given us marrieds such a wretched reputation?¹ When did it become a cultural norm to lose all desire for your spouse as soon as the I Dos are out of the way?

Guys, please! Do me this solid: Right now, grab your husband or your wife. Take them to a public place and make out with them mercilessly. Really manhandle the shit out of them. Then when your faces are all red and chafed from kissing, say to each other at the top of your voice, “I’m so glad I married you! Isn’t marriage hot?!”

Thank you.

For the past week I haven’t been able to get the story of Nadya Suleman, the woman who gave birth¹ to octuplets², out of my head. A few days ago I learned that Suleman already has six children at home, all conceived by in vitro fertilization (IVF). Today I read an article that Suleman is a single mother who lives with her own mother. I struggle to understand why someone would make such choices.

Coincidentally, I have just discovered the reality T.V. show Jon & Kate Plus Ei8ht about a couple, Jon and Kate Gosselin, who conceived twin girls through IVF. Years later, when they decided they wanted to have one more child, they submitted to the procedure again and found themselves pregnant with sextuplets. Each episode documents the day-to-day chaos of their lives and for a number of reasons is very difficult for me to watch.

The parents are haggard, and understandably so. They are barely getting by. Their lives consist of changing diapers, cooking meals, cleaning up, disciplining, making schedules, changing diapers, cooking meals, cleaning up, disciplining, making schedules. Repeat. They have little time for each other and no time to themselves. Their own needs and dreams and desires have evaporated completely.

In order to keep a household with eight small children from devolving into mayhem, rules and schedules are paramount; a tight ship must be maintained. And as a result, it is not possible for the parents to fully embrace the rhythms of each child. There just isn’t time. When one of the three boys takes longer to be potty trained than the rest of his brothers and sisters, Ms. Gosselin leaves him in a room alone on his training toilet, turns out the light and tells him he cannot get up or leave until he goes to the bathroom. When another child is sick, he is left on the couch to his own defenses. Taking time to tend to him would disrupt the order of the household. When the kids take an interest in something in nature, there is no time for exploration or discovery. It’s move ‘em in and move ‘em out.

Both the Gosselins and Ms. Suleman were given the option to selectively reduce the number embryos when they discovered how many had successfully implanted. They both refused the procedure, which I believe was a result of their faith, despite the increased risk of complications for the fetuses and the mother.

Like the Gosselins and Ms. Suleman, I too believe that every life is sacred. But I place a strong value on the quality of life as well. You need only watch five minutes of the Gosselins routine to see that the quality of life for every member of that family has been compromised. Similarly, some of Ms. Suleman’s children–who so far have been tagged with the letters A-H instead of given names–weighed little over a pound when they were born and will need to remain in the hospital for many weeks because their internal organs are not developed enough to keep them alive. Some may have long-lasting deficiencies as a result of their premature delivery and lack of development. Personally, I believe that creating a life for its own sake is less sacred than giving a child a life that allows them quality one-on-one time with their parents, the ability to explore their internal and external environments to the fullest, and a chance to grow outside the constraints of a rigid family structure. And I believe that the parents’ quality of life is of equal importance, that having a family should not erase the pursuit of one’s own goals outside of the family or one’s ability to have time for oneself.

It would be easy to blame this on religion. But this is not a matter of religion. Religion did not implant those embryos into these women’s wombs. This is a matter of science. Science should never put a family in a position of having to choose between what is on one hand what they perceive to be murder, and is on the other hand a risky medical situation that compromises the health and safety of all involved.

I understand that fertility treatments are costly, exhausting, and disruptive to one’s life. And I understand why families and doctors choose to implant multiple embryos to increase the odds of a successful implantation. But we have reached a point when, with the help of medicine, we are able to make possible the most unlikely and unnatural of circumstances, which, though miraculous, ultimately decrease the quality of these families’ lives.

Added to which, these families—the Gosselins, the Duggars, and now the Sulemans—have no real incentive to think through the consequences of their choices. We offer them television shows, endorsement deals, free plastic surgery,³ and room in the spotlight.⁴ And they are forced to make spectacles of themselves for our consumption just so they can stay financially afloat.

I hope that the ethicists are working overtime on this issue and that a solution can be reached which honors a family’s faith, its right to choose, and its emotional and physical well being.