During one of his performances, Russell Brand—comedian, infamous lothario, admitted sex addict, three-time winner of the The Sun newspaper’s Shagger of the Year Award—notices a fan’s sign hanging over the balcony, which says “Kat ♥ U.” He stops the show to note that the heart should really be followed by an apostrophe S and then adds, “I don’t think I could have sex with someone who had such a slender grasp on grammar.”

Years ago, when we were engaged, Joshua and I went to a party together in the suburbs. At one point we were dancing and kissing and minding our own business. Seeing this, the host yelled loudly in our direction so that everyone else could hear, “Enjoy it while it lasts! You won’t be doing that once you’re married!” All the other Babbitts chortled and elbowed each other in the ribs as if to say Don’t we know it! Welcome to the club! Marriage is the death of romance! Kiss your genitals and your will to live goodbye! Just kidding, we love being married! Not really! Just kidding! (Not really!)

Joshua and I were astonished. We couldn’t believe that people actually felt that way. And that they were willing to say it out loud. In front of other people. We grabbed a few handfuls of food and got the hell out of there, lest their marital mediocrity leak onto us.

I hadn’t thought of that evening until today when I read an NPR article about a man who has been selling wedding rings for over 60 years. When he sees a couple kissing on the street, “he likes to tap the man on the shoulder and hand him his card. ‘You know why?’ he asks mischievously. ‘Because married couples don’t kiss on the street.’”

How has this happened? Who has given us marrieds such a wretched reputation?¹ When did it become a cultural norm to lose all desire for your spouse as soon as the I Dos are out of the way?

Guys, please! Do me this solid: Right now, grab your husband or your wife. Take them to a public place and make out with them mercilessly. Really manhandle the shit out of them. Then when your faces are all red and chafed from kissing, say to each other at the top of your voice, “I’m so glad I married you! Isn’t marriage hot?!”

Thank you.